The Intersection of Motherhood, Mental Health, and Creativity with Daisie Lane

Welcome to the podcast, daisy. It is such a pleasure to have you on here to kick things off. Could you just share a little bit about your journey, about yourself and how you arrived at this point in your career?

Yeah, thank you. So I'm Daisy. I'm first and foremost a mom to a three year old and I write, so mostly poetry, mostly about modern motherhood and maternal mental health, which I share online. I'm an author of a children's book which was published earlier this year. I set up an independent publishing company, which you mentioned, so that's called Posh Dog Press, and I'm currently in the process of publishing our first book, which is a collection of stories written by women on how the pandemic affected their motherhood experience. So that's kind of me presently, but in terms of you know what led me to this path? I've always been fascinated by the power of words. You know I have some people enjoy like films and there's iconic scenes in films that stand out for people as being memorable and powerful. For me it's words, not necessarily just poetry, but anything so like song lyrics, political statements. I just love lines that pack a punch. And I was always good at English. At school I wrote poems, I wrote stories, loved books, loved anything creative actually, and I studied creative writing and English lit at university. So that love of writing kind of took me through my teenage years and early adulthood. But I really didn't get on with university and it actually made me fall out of love with writing for a while, sadly, and reading, I think I just I had to read so many books that I disliked and that I would have chosen to read to the point where I think I needed a break from it after university. And my confidence was knocked in university as well. I found the whole environment quite competitive rather than supportive, and I just had some bad experiences. I found the lit classes so pretentious and I found them to be a complete cliche, and so I left uni. How old was I? At 21, quite defeated, and I didn't really pick up a pen again until maybe like eight years, nine years later, when I became a mom and I mean, I've always reached for writing Whenever I needed to process something or at difficult, traumatic points in my life, and when I had a baby, her birth, it almost broke me. It was one of the most, you know, profound things to have ever happened in my life, and one of the first things I did when I came home with the baby was I grabbed a pen, a fresh journal, and I wrote down everything that happened, from start to finish, every little detail. It was like instinct to do it. It just came back again, I poured it out onto the page. It was like I needed to get it out of my head onto the paper and I was like, oh yeah, I remember now why this used to be so important to me. And so, as I struggled through the early stages of motherhood and I did struggle I was very depressed. We were in the middle of the pandemic. I felt so alone. I used to write through it and it felt like it captured the moment. It helped me process it. It helped me to understand my own feelings and the next step for me was sharing those words online, never with any intention of it going anywhere. It was for me more than anything. But then the response I had was so surprising to me and it was so validating and it helped build that confidence back up that had been knocked out of me like a decade prior. And in turn, I became more honest, more open. I felt freer. It helped my mental health, and that was only less than two years ago that I started sharing my writing online. And here I am. That community and that kind of platform that I have online. It's given me so much. It presented so many wonderful opportunities to me. All from that all from writing from the heart really. So yeah, I guess that's my journey.

Incredible and I didn't realize it was just the past two years early that you said that you kind of picked it back up. Looking at you online and just everything that you do now, I feel like, oh, she's been doing this for 20 years and although you have been a writer in just like a words person your whole life, it really does seem like you've just been doing this forever and I can tell, even by just looking at your like online presence and just how you formulate your words and your poetry, I can tell that it just comes straight from your heart.

Yeah, 100%. Yeah, I need it now and I kind of can't believe that I went without it for so long. But I think, the same with any true love, you sometimes need a break from it, you know. So I had an extended break away from it, but I did return to it. It called me back again and, yeah, it helped me immensely. Now, and that's what I try to encourage with other people, use writing because it is a tool, it's a therapy, and access to therapy so limited right now and so, you know, whatever you can find yourself, use it and writing, I think, is sort of powerful one.

Now you do focus on mental health and with moms too. So, like, what importance do you place on mental health and just well being in general for mothers? Yeah, well doing.

Doing more to support the mental health of mothers is the single biggest legacy I can leave in this world. Suicide is the leading cause of maternal maternity related death in the UK, and there are clear studied links between maternal mental health and the well being of the infant. Things like attachment, brain development and the state of my mental health affected my ability to mother, and so you know if the, if the suffering of women and, as a result, potentially their children and their loved ones, isn't enough of a driving force for change and often in this country it sadly isn't. There's also things like you know it counts for a significant economic burden. The cost of Mental health issues to the economy in the UK alone is something like six or seven billion pounds per year. There's a really good report actually about the importance of benefits of addressing on met maternal mental health needs, and that can be found on the maternal mental health alliance website. But yeah, it's a no brainer. Supporting the well being of mothers is essential to our society, yet motherhood continues to be unsupported, and I speak a lot about the maternal mental health crisis the pandemic has left us with. Spoken at great length with hundreds of mothers who were pregnant or gave birth or experienced their postpartum period during the pandemic and whose mental health was severely impacted by the maternity restrictions at the time. So that's for the lockdown project that I'm working on, and we will see the effects of this for years to come. You know, I speak to mothers who won't have a second baby because they're so traumatised by their first experience. They won't risk going through it again because their trauma hasn't been resolved. That is the biggest risk to the human population. So, you know, although all of that might sound dramatic, it's absolutely real and we're talking about the challenges of motherhood, particularly by those who can use their creative voice to do so. We are, without even perhaps realizing it, we are contributing to breaking down these taboos, these stigmas, and we are helping Mothers feel less alone. So we are helping with this massive issue.

You're amazing, daisy. What you're doing is just fantastic, yeah, and it really does come from your heart, like, just like you say not to be dramatic, no, you're speaking facts, this is true stuff, and this is all stuff that a lot of people, especially mothers, especially new mothers, they don't talk about. You know, it is kind of taboo.

It's like, no, I'm fine, everything's fine, and I think this links back to writing being a form of therapy, and, in my opinion, everyone Needs therapy after having a child. Anything that turns your world upside down own warrants therapy of some kind, not only the physical changes, the mental changes, challenges you know what. What was a event in your life Turns your world upside down like that, overnight, at the click of a finger. You can't prepare for it now, matter how much you try, and and so this is why, my god, anything that we can grab writing, okay, yeah, I'll take it, let me, let me write, because if that helps me process this rollercoaster world with whirlwind that you know I'm struggling to make sense of, then yeah, I'll do it, and that's absolutely what I believe Should be available to everyone.

Mm-hmm and by helping yourself through your writing. Other people can read that and it also helps them, and then so on and so forth. It's just like a domino effect for everyone. How do you find your balance now? writing actually helps you in your motherhood, right it's not not, not in an escape, like getting away, but, you know, just like your oxygen. Again that's part of you, but still it can be hard to find that creative time with children. So how do you find your balance? And then, what advice do you have for moms listening to find their balance to.

In all honesty, with great difficulty, and I think that's Important to say. I'd love to sit here and say that I've got it all worked out and the balance is perfect, but the truth is it's. It's hard to find any time for yourself of any kind, especially in early motherhood, when your children need so much of you, mm-hmm, and so creative endeavors in particular can suffer and they fall by the wayside. So you know it's for me it's always that in between time I feel like I'm always desperately trying to grab at it and it gives an Urgency into what you're doing as well. So that does limit creative freedom and, as someone who writes, that does absolutely nothing for writers block, because you know someone sits you down and says, okay, you've got a ten minute window right. It's like you suddenly forget how to use a pen. Often as mothers, of course, we have limited time and it's very much set for us. It's dictated by our child and Child's needs and their schedule and their routine. So creativity Definitely gets stifled and often it's then that it's calling out to you as well. That, like this, is the time where I want to be writing more than ever and you feel the pull more. So it's sort of an impossible situation and one which I struggle to navigate myself. So I can't pretend that I'm balancing anything. The scales right now definitely not level, but I just do what I can. When I had a newborn, I was Writing on the notes app on my phone while my baby was napping in my arms. Now it's when she's gone to bed and it's nine o'clock every night for an hour Before I go up to bed myself. No, it's, I work part-time. My day job isn't in writing, so I'm not working, I'm mothering. My little girl is three, so she's not yet in full-time school. And then, you know, I'm also trying to Run a business and trying to be a present wife, daughter and granddaughter and sister and friend, and I'm trying to navigate grief and finding space for that. Well, I was trying to keep on top of, you know, life, admin and the mental load and trying to keep my house from looking like a tornado has hit it, whilst trying to remember I've got a book, that appointment I've got, buy them a new pair of shoes, and you know. And then it's the sickness books and the viruses and the disturb, nights, sleep. So the writing and the creative projects. You know I'm not able to pay them a fraction of the time or attention I wish I could. And there are days where, when you have young kids, where you feel like you're just Surviving, you just trying to be a good mom, do the bare minimum to get through the day. So on those days I Struggle to find space for creativity and and I think I've battled with that for a while I Think that's an adjustment period for any new mom. Yeah, that sort of giving up of your time, you know your old life, where you're sort of handing pieces of yourself over. It's a shock at first and it is an adjustment and then I think eventually I Sort of began to lean into it a little and I kind of accepted that, okay, this won't last forever. Right now this isn't my time. I will get my time back. For now, I'll accept that in between time, because that's the sacrifice, those pieces of me that I handed over. You know, I'll get them back over time, piece by piece, and I'll start rebuilding myself, but not right now, not yet, and I kind of become generally Okay with that now. Yes, it frustrates me at times and it is kind of all part of a bigger conversation really, I guess, because if, if mothers were more supported, both in the home and by the state, then this mental load and these responsibilities that take up so much of our time and our brainpower Would be alleviated and would allow creativity to flourish more. And we can campaign for that and I can add more voice to it all. But in the meantime, all any of us can do is our best. We've been born in the support that's available to us and that's what. That's what I do.

You put that so beautifully, so beautifully and well said. I feel like you talk in poetry too, and I love it.

Oh, that's so cute. It's such a difficult balance. You cannot do everything. Parenting is hard, it's, and it's all the season, isn't it? It changes so quickly. So I know that this time next year my little girl will have just started school and so I'll probably suddenly have this time that I didn't have before. So I guess, as cliche as it sounds, if you're kind of struggling in that space now where, particularly in those early days where you robbed us so much of your time, just take each day as it comes and don't try to do it all. Ask for help where you can Take the support if you can. Don't feel guilty about it. Just do your best. That's all we can do.

It's all we can do. And like before you have your children. You can read all the parenting books and like what to expect, but it really does change your world in all of these wonderful and frightening ways. So you just have to do your best. That's all we can do, and no one is like a perfect parent. So I don't think if you don't do this or you can't do this or you spend half an hour writing, whatever you're doing, don't think you're taking away from your child's childhood. They're not gonna like resent you for that one time on Wednesday when you went downstairs for 30 minutes to write something, but we'll remember that forever. Like were they mad at me because I did this? Like am I not a good parent? Everyone has these thoughts, like everyone does.

Yeah, 100%. We'd beat ourselves up over these things and we don't think anyone could ever say to me would change that. I'd still feel guilty. I'd still find something to feel guilty about. I don't deserve to, because I do my best. But the guilt comes with the territory of being a mom, unfortunately. But you know, that's if I could say anything to moms, it's just as long as they're loved and you're doing the best that you can with the support and the facilities you've got, that is all that matters. I know what it's like to be in that space, to be struggling, to feel so alone, and you really don't have to. There is this shame and stigma surrounding asking for help. We wanna look like we've got our shit together. We wanna look like we can do it all, but we can't. There's clearly, the statistics are there. We're struggling and that's nothing to feel guilty about. The expectations on us are too great, you know. So reach out, ask for help. I went to my doctor and I you know I say this to a lot of people If you feel like you're struggling and it's beyond anything that you can kind of tackle on your own with things that we were talking about, like writing and other therapies, reach out to your doctor, to your GP, like I did, because I needed that extra support, and there is no shame in that at all.

Again, thank you for everything you shared. You are fantastic, daisy, so thank you for your just talking today and your writings and everything that you're doing for mothers. You're amazing. Where can listeners find you online to connect with you on social media, to check out your writings, all the things? Where can you find you online? So?

I'm mainly on Instagram, so it's Daisy Lane writes at Daisy Lane writes. That's where I post most of my stuff and my children's book. Actually, would you mind if I just mention that, please? Do I love that, yeah? So, yeah, I have a children's book, so it's called what About my Tommy Mummy, which was published this year. It's a picture book I'm three to seven year olds about our bodies and appreciating what our bodies do for us. I remember looking for books for younger children as a consumer about body positivity and there was just nothing out there. There was for kind of teenagers, but nothing for a younger audience, and in my opinion, it's a conversation that we should be exposing our children to as early as possible, including them to love our bodies, often by the teenage years. Sadly, a lot of damage has already been done and so, yeah, I wrote my own and it was picked up by a publisher here in England, so you can purchase it online in the usual places Amazon, etc. And what's it called? What about my Tommy Mummy? Oh, yeah, that's my English version, even though actually I'm my mummy. Oh, really.

Well, that sounds like such an incredible book. Dude, you're doing all the good work, so please know you're putting all this effort towards everything to help other women, but know that you are. You absolutely are. So thank you for what you do, Daisy. Thank you.

Thank you so much for helping me.

Thank you for listening.